Ryan vs. Justin Bieber

Showdown for the ages? Let's see the tale of the tape.

1. Age
Justin Bieber is 16. Ryan, after celebrating a very important birthday, is also 16. Advantage: EVEN

2. Being from Canada
Justin Bieber is from Canada. Ryan is a ho, and therefore not from Canada. However, the jury is out on whether being from Canada is a good thing. Advantage: EVEN

3. Being a joke
Ok, come on. Advantage: EVEN

4. Street Cred
Justin Bieber sang on a song with Ludacris. The thought of Ryan on the streets is ludicrous. Advantage: Bieber

5. Biddies
Justin Bieber was spotted on the beach with Kim Kardashian. Ryan has had sex with Natalie Portman. Oh wait, that never happened. I'm making fun of myself here, but still, Advantage: Bieber

6. Playing The Trumpet
Ryan is a standout trumpeter in the Princeton University Orchestra. Justin Bieber couldn't play the trumpet if he had the lung capacity of a blue whale, the lips of Topanga from Boy Meets World, and the musical instincts of Giuseppe Snoop Dogg Verdi. Advantage: Ryan

7. Wearing Tiaras
Ryan wore a tiara for his Super Sweet 16. Justin Bieber isn't a little bitch. Advantage: Bieber

8. Video Games
Ryan is playing until he wins! Justin Bieber would probably lose to me at Call of Duty, which means that he's worse than literally everyone. Advantage: Ryan.

9. Being a fratstar
Ryan, biddie though he is, can play beer pong better than a man lickin' another man. Justin Bieber licks other men. Advantage: Ryan.

With the final score Ryan 3, Justin Bieber 3, Tie 3, we learn what we knew all along! Ryan...is...Justin Bieber. The end.

Is It The Rude?

We may or may not be getting rude? Rude! Plus Funky man, funky qiuzhu brought a camera with video capacity. Oh me oh my. That means that if scurred ass bitch ass moments happen, they just might get ciggity ciggity captured for posterity.

Postmothafuckinerity. That could...ruin me for life? Maybe? I don't know? But either way, it would be rad as shit. Rad as a man...lickin' another man.

Steve literally just spit beer out of his mouth because I was doing a weird dance. I guess that is a good thing? Man. Thing.

Karma police.

Jason Derulo

Observations:

Jason Derulo.

It is apparently really freaking hard to play beer pong with white cups on a white ironing board. Breadbasket and T. Ewart Figgity are having a hell of a time just doing their thing over there. Missing all the cups. MCGUDES!!!

Man dogg. Feeling like a mcgude right now, mothaman. Most definitely. I have to pee already. Bad sign.

Is it bad that I have a weird orange glow on the right side of my computer? Maybe. Awesome!

You Don't Have To Come And Confess

Come on, mothalickas! Let's stop just sitting around rubbin' things and drink more. Fuckers!!!

Steve: "Gavin, you need to get rude faster. Don't leave me out to rude."

I need no more encouragement. Alright.

Can't Forget About Them Orlando Doggs!

After a day of planes, mothas, men, sitting, and milkshakes, nine of the true doggs have finally found themselves in this frat-ass man-condo. Tensions immediately arose with some rude ass-people with little children who are all kinds of concerned that we're going to be loud and obnoxious.

Now why would they think that?

This chronicle isn't necessarily going to be brought into service every night, but when particular rudeness is occurring, it stands to reason that it might be a good idea to, shall we say, follow the night along its course.

With that in mind, I'm going to crack open a Stone and get rude. Riggity roosta!

Beers: 0
Mood: Frankly, a little bit of a schlusta