Ryan vs. Justin Bieber

Showdown for the ages? Let's see the tale of the tape.

1. Age
Justin Bieber is 16. Ryan, after celebrating a very important birthday, is also 16. Advantage: EVEN

2. Being from Canada
Justin Bieber is from Canada. Ryan is a ho, and therefore not from Canada. However, the jury is out on whether being from Canada is a good thing. Advantage: EVEN

3. Being a joke
Ok, come on. Advantage: EVEN

4. Street Cred
Justin Bieber sang on a song with Ludacris. The thought of Ryan on the streets is ludicrous. Advantage: Bieber

5. Biddies
Justin Bieber was spotted on the beach with Kim Kardashian. Ryan has had sex with Natalie Portman. Oh wait, that never happened. I'm making fun of myself here, but still, Advantage: Bieber

6. Playing The Trumpet
Ryan is a standout trumpeter in the Princeton University Orchestra. Justin Bieber couldn't play the trumpet if he had the lung capacity of a blue whale, the lips of Topanga from Boy Meets World, and the musical instincts of Giuseppe Snoop Dogg Verdi. Advantage: Ryan

7. Wearing Tiaras
Ryan wore a tiara for his Super Sweet 16. Justin Bieber isn't a little bitch. Advantage: Bieber

8. Video Games
Ryan is playing until he wins! Justin Bieber would probably lose to me at Call of Duty, which means that he's worse than literally everyone. Advantage: Ryan.

9. Being a fratstar
Ryan, biddie though he is, can play beer pong better than a man lickin' another man. Justin Bieber licks other men. Advantage: Ryan.

With the final score Ryan 3, Justin Bieber 3, Tie 3, we learn what we knew all along! Ryan...is...Justin Bieber. The end.